Friday, 9 August 2019

What Is Life Throwing At Me?

I wrote this about a year ago now but never had the courage to post it. This is simply just a piece of writing.

To many people I am 'living the dream,' not working, doing nothing all day- but I'm not. I feel so lost and trapped in this crazy big world, with so many directions to take, so many choices to make and so much time to ache. This world is so massive yet I am so tiny. There are so many opportunities out there, none of which I can take. Things I'd love to do are so far out of reach for so many reasons. I've gained people and lost even more. Nothing I do seems to help or make a difference, I feel like all of my effort is for nothing.

Every day is a daily battle with myself. I'd love to be one of those people who get up at 6am, go for a walk, eat healthily and have a good job that they enjoy, but it just all seems impossible. I go to sleep late for many different reasons on different nights, bad thoughts, worries or just cant sleep, which obviously is the reason that I wake up later the morning after. If I dont get up at about 7am to put on make up, I inevitably feel disgusting and horrible, so, theres that. If I do wake up at 7am, I feel absolutely knackered throughout the day, meaning I feel hopeless and down, yet I will still go to sleep late that night. However, if I get more sleep, I will still feel hopeless and down, so I just cant win at all.

I barely like leaving the house anymore and thats what hurts the most. I never really want to get out of bed, I just cant be bothered at all. Every day is the same: the same struggle and fight to even leave my bed until the next day, where it will be exactly the same. If I do leave the house, I am normally thinking about what time I will be home because I want to go back to the comfort of the four walls that usually surround me, that I call my bedroom, away from all human contact.

There is only really one person that I enjoy being around anymore, yet sometimes it is still a task for me to want to leave my house. When I am with her, I forget everything (usually, I still get really down sometimes and have bad, bad thoughts but with her I feel safe, loved and comfortable and I am able to talk to her whether it is in person or through a text) but I feel so okay when I am with her and she does absolutely everything in her power to make me feel good and comfortable and no one else does that for me really. The worst thing is leaving her. Thats when everything comes flooding back and it hits me like a tonne of bricks. The second I leave her its there again, even in the last few hours of us being together before she leaves, because I know whats coming, I know that she is going and I know what I face when she leaves.

I want a job so badly, but I dont just want any job, because that terrifies me. There is no way I could ever be a shop assistant, not in the current state that I am in. I cant even walk down my road alone without getting sweaty palms, being shakey and panicky. I cant even get into my girlfriends car outside of my house if she has parked so her side is on the pavement without getting panicky. I cant walk into a shop and pay for something without getting panicky- who am I kidding? I cant do that at all. This frustrates the hell out of me, I wish I could do all of this. I wish I could get a job, but I cant, not right now anyway- I know that causes problems for some people but they are going to have to deal with it because nothing is changing any time soon. Having people talk rubbish about me not having a job upsets the hell out of me and makes me feel the absolute lowest of the lows, it not my fault I am like this, I have people to blame, although I wish I didnt.

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