Friday, 23 August 2019

If I Ran The World…

If I ran the world, I'd make sure all the following was sorted, I know its not just as easy as doing it and saying it but its the thought that counts right?

If I ran the world, women and mens pay would be equal if they are doing the same job because everyone is equal and deserves to be treated it.

If I ran the world, mental illness stigma wouldnt be a thing because I'd make sure it was a part of the things children learn in schools so they are educated about it.

If I ran the world, there would be counsellors and therapists everywhere, for example, one in an office in a supermarket, a theme park ect, all free of cost without having to book an appointment, so people had easy access to the care, help and support that they need and deserve.

If I ran the world, I'd avoid spending money on pointless things like statues costing way too much and spend the money on things that actually need doing, like feeding the homeless.

If I ran the world, I'd make travelling almost free. I'd give everyone access to a certain amount of travelling so everyone has access to it. If you wanted more than you are given, it is then when you'd have to pay.

If I ran the world, I'd have a hotel/hostel type thing for anyone who has no place to sleep, somewhere where they felt safe. There would be counsellors and people to help with any underlying issues which may have caused the homelessness in the first place, for example, over excessive drinking or drug addiction. There would be people in place to help the people get back into the world of work, help them manage their money and eventually sort themselves out with a place of their own.

If I ran the world, I would make sure people had access to health care via the internet. For example, fully trained doctors who you can get in touch with over the internet or over a video call, where they can prescribe medication to help those who are too scared to go to the doctors, like those with severe social anxiety.

If I ran the world, I'd have a mental health recovery centre where you can just walk in and get help if you needed it, without having to go through a doctor.

If I ran the world, I'd normalise same sex relationships because love is love and love has nothing to do with anyone else other than the two people. 

Friday, 16 August 2019

True Or False: LGBTQ+ Edition

 I found these on Instagram and I thought it would be a different blog post to my usual, so here it is!


TRUE, FALSE or SOMEWHAT

I am straight     FALSE
I am questioning     FALSE
I am out of the closet     TRUE
I am in the closet     FALSE
I am not straight     TRUE
I am genderfluid     FALSE
I am transgender     FALSE
I am female     TRUE
I am male     FALSE
I dont want to have a label     SOMEWHAT
I am single     FALSE
I have never dated     FALSE
I am in a straight relationship     FALSE
I am in an LGBTQ+ relationship     TRUE
I have dated the same gender     TRUE
I am afraid of my sexuality     FALSE
My sexuality goes against my religion     FALSE
I am ashamed of my sexuality     FALSE
I am not religious     TRUE
I am asexual     FALSE
I have LGBTQ+ family members     FALSE
I have LGBTQ+ friends     TRUE
I am homophobic     FALSE
My friends are homophobic     FALSE
I am transphobic      FALSE

The Timeline TRIGGER WARNING



trying to find the light
when all the light is gone
im having to fight
but its a million to one

im a creature of faux 
some would call a fool
but its hard to let go
when it started at school

the best is behind me
the worst is yet to come
i can almost guarantee 
that the future wont be fun

once a happy kid
now a scared adult
who’s mental health slid
self harm is the result

drag a blade across my skin
blood runs down like a stream
forever wishing i could win
and it all would be a dream

the scars they last a lifetime
they wont ever disappear 
recovery is the biggest climb
it was once my worst fear

everyone thinks im better now
but its only just begun
as easy as that i could say ciao
and my days would be done

but im not ready to go yet
there is still warmth in my heart
so please care and dont fret
we will never be apart.

- ebony 


Friday, 9 August 2019

What Is Life Throwing At Me?

I wrote this about a year ago now but never had the courage to post it. This is simply just a piece of writing.

To many people I am 'living the dream,' not working, doing nothing all day- but I'm not. I feel so lost and trapped in this crazy big world, with so many directions to take, so many choices to make and so much time to ache. This world is so massive yet I am so tiny. There are so many opportunities out there, none of which I can take. Things I'd love to do are so far out of reach for so many reasons. I've gained people and lost even more. Nothing I do seems to help or make a difference, I feel like all of my effort is for nothing.

Every day is a daily battle with myself. I'd love to be one of those people who get up at 6am, go for a walk, eat healthily and have a good job that they enjoy, but it just all seems impossible. I go to sleep late for many different reasons on different nights, bad thoughts, worries or just cant sleep, which obviously is the reason that I wake up later the morning after. If I dont get up at about 7am to put on make up, I inevitably feel disgusting and horrible, so, theres that. If I do wake up at 7am, I feel absolutely knackered throughout the day, meaning I feel hopeless and down, yet I will still go to sleep late that night. However, if I get more sleep, I will still feel hopeless and down, so I just cant win at all.

I barely like leaving the house anymore and thats what hurts the most. I never really want to get out of bed, I just cant be bothered at all. Every day is the same: the same struggle and fight to even leave my bed until the next day, where it will be exactly the same. If I do leave the house, I am normally thinking about what time I will be home because I want to go back to the comfort of the four walls that usually surround me, that I call my bedroom, away from all human contact.

There is only really one person that I enjoy being around anymore, yet sometimes it is still a task for me to want to leave my house. When I am with her, I forget everything (usually, I still get really down sometimes and have bad, bad thoughts but with her I feel safe, loved and comfortable and I am able to talk to her whether it is in person or through a text) but I feel so okay when I am with her and she does absolutely everything in her power to make me feel good and comfortable and no one else does that for me really. The worst thing is leaving her. Thats when everything comes flooding back and it hits me like a tonne of bricks. The second I leave her its there again, even in the last few hours of us being together before she leaves, because I know whats coming, I know that she is going and I know what I face when she leaves.

I want a job so badly, but I dont just want any job, because that terrifies me. There is no way I could ever be a shop assistant, not in the current state that I am in. I cant even walk down my road alone without getting sweaty palms, being shakey and panicky. I cant even get into my girlfriends car outside of my house if she has parked so her side is on the pavement without getting panicky. I cant walk into a shop and pay for something without getting panicky- who am I kidding? I cant do that at all. This frustrates the hell out of me, I wish I could do all of this. I wish I could get a job, but I cant, not right now anyway- I know that causes problems for some people but they are going to have to deal with it because nothing is changing any time soon. Having people talk rubbish about me not having a job upsets the hell out of me and makes me feel the absolute lowest of the lows, it not my fault I am like this, I have people to blame, although I wish I didnt.

Friday, 2 August 2019

The Day My Dream Came True

One trip I am definitely glad I booked was our trip to Newmarket Races. When Demi Lovato announced that she was playing Newmarket Races as (sort of) part of her Tell Me You Love Me Tour, I booked tickets as soon as they went on sale. It was expensive for me as I didnt really have the money but it was 100% worth it.

Before tickets actually went on sale, I discussed going there with Emily and she seemed up for the idea even though it was such a drive from us, but because she is an angel, she drove us there.

2 hours and 30 minutes the drive was supposed to be. I am sure it was 3 hours or more and a McDonalds stop later but we finally arrived in the surprisingly beautiful market town of Newmarket. I kid you not, there were horses everywhere. There was even a horse crossing, mad right? Theres a first for everything I guess.

Once we had parked up at the race course we headed to the gates to get in the queue where I found some of my friends I had made online including Kasey, Emily and Sammy, who were so lovely may I add! It was only an hour or so wait until the gates actually opened and we could go inside.

The stage was so much smaller than I imagined it to be which was great as it would mean that I would be much closer to Demi the whole time, yes! Now ahead was only the long wait until Demi finally came on stage, 6 hours or something? Easy. I'd waited 4 years to see her again so a matter of hours was nothing.

The excitement inside of me was building as the hours went down and it got closer to the time. A helicopter landed and we were told it was Demi as she had flew in from London.

1 hour left.

10 minutes left.

1 minute left.

* The start of confident comes on and my heart is beating faster than it ever has before*

Demi walked on and my brain was in meltdown mode. My absolute hero was on stage right before my eyes once more. Only this time, I was not at the back of the arena, I wasnt even in an arena this time, I was at the barrier at the races. This was a dream come true.

She started with confident and finished with tell me you love me and in the middle of her set? Purely incredible songs. She sang two of my favourites: my love is like a star and smoke & mirrors. But the one that got me the most? Old ways. I sobbed. This song means so much to me.

I took my camera to Newmarket Races and I am so, so glad that I did. I got some really good photographs that I am so proud of. Demi looked straight into my camera lens at one point and smiled and I think she looked in my soul, literally. I missed the photo though because she melted my heart and I put my camera down. I'll insert some of my photographs below.

I genuinely had the best time at Newmarket and it was worth every single penny. I had missed Demi so, so much so it was so nice to see her again. Sadly after Newmarket she got sick though. But after that I was able to see her on the tell me you love me tour, which was so incredible.



 

 




The moment before she looked straight in to my soul.
 

This was genuinely one of the best days of my life and I would do anything to re live this day if it was possible. Demi's vocals were incredible like usual and it just made my life.