Tuesday, 27 February 2018

I'm Going To Be 18! (A Year Ago)

(POSTED FOR MY 19TH)

** is an add on.

Considering it is my 18th birthday next week (the 28th incase you fancied wishing me happy birthday haha) I thought that a reflection blog post could be useful to me and very relevant. For me, reflecting on the past helps me to see how far I have come and to feel a sense of pride because of this- and I can tell you, I have come a hell of a long way. This post may seem a little dreary but I swear it'll get happier- I hope anyway. 

Back in the early years of secondary school I started to get picked on for various reasons including music taste which seems completely absurd to me- any type of bullying does. I just struggle to understand why someone would purposely try to make someone miserable which could have considerable consequences for the person being targeted by these hateful actions. Moving on. Different people picked on me from different years- most in the year above me, some in the same year as me, all just as hurtful. I was followed, called names, forced to be in photos whilst they laugh about me and some other stuff. Actually, the girl still has the photo of me on her Facebook despite having being asked to remove it numerous times by numerous people, do people really change? *UPDATE: SHE REMOVED THIS AFTER ABOUT 20 OF MY FRIENDS FIRED AT HER INBOX ASKING HER TO REMOVE THIS* One time when I was being followed by a lad and his friend, I actually stuck up for myself- yes, me, I stuck up for myself. And my god he was not expecting it. But never again did he follow me! 

"I hate people that think they can bully people and expect nothing back." - Lucy Spraggan.

I don't really like to call it bullying because I'm not sure whether people would class it as bullying or just being picked on, but for now I will be calling it bullying. The bullying had a major impact on my life and I started to rely on destructive behaviours as my way of coping and my mind slowly but surely took me to a very dark place. I never really have been the confident type, but before the bullying I had a bit and could do stuff like talk to a teacher sometimes without having a full on melt down before hand or afterwards. This little bit of confidence was stolen from me and so was the happiness I had felt previously. 

These issues have never left me- every single day is a battle in my head. I struggle with even the most simplest of tasks like crossing a road on my own- this is usually aided by me sending a good 200 texts to my friends whilst walking slower or faster depending on the traffic to cross without having to make cars stop at a crossing, or paying in a shop and I honestly dont remember the last time I did this, or answering a question in class, seems simple enough but when you have a million thoughts racing in your head and you are put on the spot and everyone is looking at you, it is far from easy. I struggle with having thoughts of this behaviour, I genuinely cant remember the last time I got through a day without thinking about it- but I shall not be broken *lol*! I am 586 days clean from cutting as of today (22.02.17) which is absolutely mental and something that I never thought I would achieve. *RECOVERY IS A HARD PROCESS BUT I'LL MAKE IT AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF*

There is one thing that I do know for certain- I didn't think I would make it to my 18th birthday, and it looks like I have and I am so damn proud of myself for getting this far, getting help at school and trying to get better. Things seem to be finally looking up for me and maybe I do have a somewhat bright future after all. I still spend 99.9% of my life being extremely anxious but I hope to work on myself more when I have fully left school, although I am absolutely terrified about getting a job and I am not sure what the future will hold for me.

Some of my greatest memories of the past are concert memories, when I think of happiness I think of concerts, no word of a lie they keep me going and give me something to look forward to when I feel like I have no direction in my life. One of the best things that has happened to me was seeing Miley- it was an absolute dream come true. Another was meeting and seeing Lucy- enough for her to recognise me and actually get to know me and how I roll, which was also a dream come true for me because there were so many years that I would tweet her and never get noticed- this makes up for that 100%.

Honestly, this is one of the strangest and most open posts that I have ever done, but I wanted to do a post for my 18th because I really am happy that I made it and for people who understand this may seem crazy. 

Thank you for reading!

*THIS IS ALL STILL RELEVANT AS I AM APPROACHING MY 19TH BIRTHDAY*

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