Wednesday, 28 February 2018

Ebony Through The Years

I thought it would be fun to create a sort of timeline of photographs of myself to go through to see how much I have grown and changed over the years, so here it is, 1999-2018!

























 






















Tuesday, 27 February 2018

I'm Going To Be 18! (A Year Ago)

(POSTED FOR MY 19TH)

** is an add on.

Considering it is my 18th birthday next week (the 28th incase you fancied wishing me happy birthday haha) I thought that a reflection blog post could be useful to me and very relevant. For me, reflecting on the past helps me to see how far I have come and to feel a sense of pride because of this- and I can tell you, I have come a hell of a long way. This post may seem a little dreary but I swear it'll get happier- I hope anyway. 

Back in the early years of secondary school I started to get picked on for various reasons including music taste which seems completely absurd to me- any type of bullying does. I just struggle to understand why someone would purposely try to make someone miserable which could have considerable consequences for the person being targeted by these hateful actions. Moving on. Different people picked on me from different years- most in the year above me, some in the same year as me, all just as hurtful. I was followed, called names, forced to be in photos whilst they laugh about me and some other stuff. Actually, the girl still has the photo of me on her Facebook despite having being asked to remove it numerous times by numerous people, do people really change? *UPDATE: SHE REMOVED THIS AFTER ABOUT 20 OF MY FRIENDS FIRED AT HER INBOX ASKING HER TO REMOVE THIS* One time when I was being followed by a lad and his friend, I actually stuck up for myself- yes, me, I stuck up for myself. And my god he was not expecting it. But never again did he follow me! 

"I hate people that think they can bully people and expect nothing back." - Lucy Spraggan.

I don't really like to call it bullying because I'm not sure whether people would class it as bullying or just being picked on, but for now I will be calling it bullying. The bullying had a major impact on my life and I started to rely on destructive behaviours as my way of coping and my mind slowly but surely took me to a very dark place. I never really have been the confident type, but before the bullying I had a bit and could do stuff like talk to a teacher sometimes without having a full on melt down before hand or afterwards. This little bit of confidence was stolen from me and so was the happiness I had felt previously. 

These issues have never left me- every single day is a battle in my head. I struggle with even the most simplest of tasks like crossing a road on my own- this is usually aided by me sending a good 200 texts to my friends whilst walking slower or faster depending on the traffic to cross without having to make cars stop at a crossing, or paying in a shop and I honestly dont remember the last time I did this, or answering a question in class, seems simple enough but when you have a million thoughts racing in your head and you are put on the spot and everyone is looking at you, it is far from easy. I struggle with having thoughts of this behaviour, I genuinely cant remember the last time I got through a day without thinking about it- but I shall not be broken *lol*! I am 586 days clean from cutting as of today (22.02.17) which is absolutely mental and something that I never thought I would achieve. *RECOVERY IS A HARD PROCESS BUT I'LL MAKE IT AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF*

There is one thing that I do know for certain- I didn't think I would make it to my 18th birthday, and it looks like I have and I am so damn proud of myself for getting this far, getting help at school and trying to get better. Things seem to be finally looking up for me and maybe I do have a somewhat bright future after all. I still spend 99.9% of my life being extremely anxious but I hope to work on myself more when I have fully left school, although I am absolutely terrified about getting a job and I am not sure what the future will hold for me.

Some of my greatest memories of the past are concert memories, when I think of happiness I think of concerts, no word of a lie they keep me going and give me something to look forward to when I feel like I have no direction in my life. One of the best things that has happened to me was seeing Miley- it was an absolute dream come true. Another was meeting and seeing Lucy- enough for her to recognise me and actually get to know me and how I roll, which was also a dream come true for me because there were so many years that I would tweet her and never get noticed- this makes up for that 100%.

Honestly, this is one of the strangest and most open posts that I have ever done, but I wanted to do a post for my 18th because I really am happy that I made it and for people who understand this may seem crazy. 

Thank you for reading!

*THIS IS ALL STILL RELEVANT AS I AM APPROACHING MY 19TH BIRTHDAY*

Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Emily Appreciation Post- Valentines Day

Emily,

Valentines day 2018 is our first together but I am extremely hopeful that it is the start of many more in the future. You came into my life on the 24th of April 2017 and changed my life since that very day, simply starting from the word 'Hey!'. On May the 29th I finally got to see your very beautiful self in person and become your girlfriend after falling for you, so hard over the course of just over a month. The rest has just been amazing.

Before I met you, I cant have known what love was, at all- now I know. You have taught me things I thought I already knew and so much more. It is so easy to feel comfortable and close to you and I cannot simply describe how truly wonderful that feels. I thought I had been loved, but I hadnt. I realise now that I had never really known what it meant to be loved, until I was loved by you: one of the many things you have taught me. From the day that you first messaged me, you have made me so incredibly happy.

I am so grateful for Kevin Systrom and Mike Krieger. I bet you dont know who they are, let me tell you. These two men created instagram, and without them, and their genius creation, I may never have met you, and that really isnt worth thinking about, not forgetting the creators of the phone, the internet and of course, a few other people who I am sure you're aware of. My life would be so much different if you were not in it, it actually hurts to think about. I am so glad you messaged me on the 24th of April 2017, because that day, my life changed and I was blessed with a reason to wake up every day. These last few months have been the happiest of my life. I cant tell you just how lucky I feel to have you as my girlfriend and my best friend, and to have you always by my side.

When I saw your photos on social media, I thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on (even though your selfie skills were a 3/10!) but when I met you in person, you were even more beautiful and you blew me away with your natural beauty. Your eyes are the most beautiful things- regardless of whether you like them or not, they are beautiful and it is so easy for me to get lost in them. I love your freckles Emily, it would definitely be a day well spent if all I did was trace lines from one of your freckles to the next, being next to you is a day well spent in itself. Did you know, a face without freckles is like the sky without stars? Your freckles are a beautiful piece of art exhibited onto another piece of art: you. You seem to be completely oblivious to your true beauty and that blows my mind. You are absolutely flawless in every way possible and it pains me to think that you dont see this. 

Emily, your laugh could heal the sick, it is so warm and infectious that I cannot help but be happy at the sound of your laugh. Your smile and easy laughter can make my whole day no matter where we both are. The sincere way in which you speak had me captured from day one. You're so kind, caring and honest and it totally warms my heart to know that there are people in the world like you, and that I am able to call you my girlfriend. You have a heart of gold and you genuinely want the best for me which means the absolute world and more. 

You have been the greatest person to walk into my life. You have stood by me every second of every day, you have looked out for me, you have been there for me, you have supported me and you have loved me. You have been the person I can always rely on when the world has turned on me. You are my every thought and it is impossible to remove you from my mind- not that I'd want to. 

Thank you. I know I dont say it too often, but thank you. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for being my person. Thank you for making me smile like crazy. Thank you for making me laugh to the point of tears and breathlessness. Thank you for restoring my faith in humanity and showing me infinite kindness. Thank you for always making it a point that I am loved, fed and well taken care of. Thank you for putting things on hold when I need you and taking care of me. Thank you for always protecting me, no matter what. Thank you for always believing in me, even when I did not believe in myself. Thank you for deciding that I am the person that you put all of your effort and energy into. Thank you for all the little things you do, I will never be able to thank you enough. Thank you for showing me that love exists and for sticking around when times get hard. Thank you for being the light of my life. And lastly, thank you for being my reason, my life and my friend.

I have found a poem that explains everything, I'd like you to read it:

                                     you came into my life
                                          at a bad time
                             when i truly hated who i was
                                 and what i had become
                                          i was broken
                                             damaged
                                                fading

                             but you fought your way in
                                         and saved me

                                           you loved me
                                         and by doing so
                                            you made me
                                          love myself too

                                                                 -s.b

One thing I know for sure right now is that as long as we're on this journey together, there is nothing that we cant do. I am here and I want to be here for a long time. I cant wait for the future with you. I hope we both find jobs that we love, are able to get a house together because waking up to your beautiful face every morning would only be a dream, we can travel together and see so many new places and so much more. The future is ours my love. 

Ebony x


Tuesday, 6 February 2018

My Favourite Local Spot

I have only recently began to visit this breath taking spot a lot and I feel like I have missed out on many adventures.

Black Rocks is a weathered outcrop of Ashover grit which can be reached by a short, but steep climb, from the car park.

The climb up onto the gritstone outcrop of Black Rocks is most definitely rewarded by the outstanding views once you reach the top of Black Rocks.

Waymarked walks guide you through the Forestry Commission woodlands of Cromford Moor. You can access beautiful and varied countryside, including the high peak trail.

I love visiting the Black Rocks as it is not too far away from me, meaning that when its nice weather, it is a lovely place to visit. At the moment, I really love using my camera and visiting places where I can take some nice pictures and have a nice time up there.

It is the perfect location on a sunny day for a picnic with a view. Its even nice on a snowy day as I found out today. I was able to clear my lungs and my head and it was great.