Saturday, 6 May 2017

Its Embarrassing!

You know that moment of pure envy, when a small child- less than half your size may I add, can do something that you cannot? You know that moment when you realise that everyone your age can do a particular something, but still, you just simply cannot? I know this far too well. Every day I feel a deep sense of overwhelming embarrassment for not being able to do something that is considered to be normal, an 'easy' task. I am constantly reminded that I cannot do these things and that I should be able to do them at my age- its easy, right?

Sometimes I have to recruit others to rely on to assist me, or do these 'simple' tasks for me- my sister is the usual victim, even being younger than me, she is able to. My mind simply cannot comprehend the sheer scale of anxiety that comes hand in hand with these activities. Paying in shops, ordering food, talking 1-1 to people, catching public transport and going to the toilet on my own are just a few among the many tasks that my mind makes me feel as though I cannot do them. It is not me being stubborn or lazy, I promise. I would love to be able to do these things by myself, hassling less people- but I just cannot.

Walking down your road with your eyes darting in all directions feeling self conscious as you think people are watching you, even though you see no one. Seeing someone walking towards you and worrying- Do I say hi? Will I stutter? Will I mess up my words? Will I trip up?  Do I just smile? Crossing the road, there are too many cars, how do I cross without having to stand on the road waiting looking like an idiot whilst people drive past me staring and judging me for what I look like?

Its school, I'm walking down the sixth form drive alone, there are people everywhere, behind and infront, talking and laughing- About me? Probably not, but thats what my mind thinks. I'm thinking there are people in the classrooms watching me, so pretending to play on my phone while I walk so I cant see who is watching me is a norm, but the worry with that is, will I trip? Will I walk into someone? Walking into the sixth form building- going in the fire exit if I can in order to avoid the masses in reception and the teachers ready to pounce on me for missing that meeting or that assembly that I was too scared to go to. 

Seeing children in shops going up to the counter confidently with their own money, paying for their own things themselves, it makes me incredibly jealous and at the same time, embarrassed. It is very frustrating, I dont know why I worry so much and why it would stick with me if I messed up, but it does. 

The phone rings. It's not Mum, Dad, the Grandparents or the sibling. Decline- I wait a bit, 'sorry I missed your call, are you okay?' Facetime call. Decline- 'sorry my parents are in bed, I cant talk, are you okay?' Message received: 'Do you want to meet?' 'sorry I cant, I have work to do and I have to tidy my room before I go anywhere.' Theres a knock at the door. I look out the window and hide at the sight of the postman holding a parcel, knowing my parents will be annoyed at not receiving the parcel that day.
Going out for a meal with your friends on the condition that they 'look after' you as if you are a child in need of a child minder. Luckily, most of my friends are very understanding of me and how I am when it comes to these types of situations, and some even (very kindly) offer to help even before I have to ask- yet even with their offer of help and their understanding nature of the situation it is highly embarrassing and I feel like a child. Ordering and paying for a meal are just terrifiying- there are so many ways that I could 'mess up' and make a fool of myself whilst doing these things, which would stick with me for a very long time and would be extremely hard to get rid of from my head. I still remember things that I did years ago that I found embarrassing at the time, and still cringe at now. When people say that I will forget about it in say an hour or so- I wont, I know I wont. 

I could go on to explain many, many more situation in which I feel anxious, and how I go about approaching them but we would all be here for a while. So, I think I will end it here.

All I ask of you is to please not make a big deal out of this for me- whether I do the 'things' in question or I do not. If I feel like I cannot do it, please offer to help me out, if you can yourself do it. If I can do it, please allow yourself to be proud of me, congratulate me because it was a hell of a big thing for me to do- just please dont do this straight away, bringing it up in a casual conversation is good too.

If you can relate to this, please share it, show your friends who dont understand. You are not alone.  

6 comments:

  1. I love you eboknee ����

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  2. i love this so much, it is so on point, you are showing people they are not alone and spreading the word and doing a fab job, love ya <3

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  3. Ebs you're a beautiful and caring young lady who I love so very much, when I first met you I almost fell over dress and I felt mortified and once upon a time I'd have probably cried in shame... I still suffer anxiety it I've learnt to come to terms with it mostly and you will too!
    This is a felt important subject to highlight as it's debilitating when in full swing and it shows bravery on your behalf so well done!!
    Keep going you're stronger than you think!!
    P.s. when the door bell goes I still sneak a peak to see if I want to answer just in case it's the gas man and I have to awkwardly take him to the meter in the garden... oh and I never answer unknown numbers Lol!! However at work it's co.pletely different I have a work head and a me head... I wish the work head was used at home a bit more but where's the fun in that??
    Love you xxx

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    1. i love you very much. thank you lovely. xx

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