Sunday, 21 May 2017

Classroom Thoughts

*Context: this is something that I wrote when I was frustrated about teachers picking on me in lesson to answer questions or to read without considering how I felt or trying to understand how my head works, despite knowing briefly what is going on with me.*

56 minutes left until I can escape these four walls.
Anxiety seems to bounce from every single one of them, getting worse as it rebounds.
My head feels like a bomb, I'm just waiting for it to explode, for the anxiety to flood out of me- its too much.
It's happened before, it'll happen again.
My legs are shaking without reason and I cant make them stop, is it a warning sign; to those who seem like strangers in this very busy room?
That I am on a very short timer, I am a bomb, and I am about to explode of anxiety.
My eyes always seem to wander- every direction but where they're supposed to be, avoiding eye contact at all costs.
Questions are asked and my face colours up, everything that was said goes straight over my head and yet again I dont know what is going on.
I am swallowed up by the racing thoughts in my head, irrational though they are, they seem very real to me.

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Its Been 3 Years Since Bangerz Tour!

Today marks 3 years since I saw my absolute saviour, Miley Ray Cyrus- the best day of my whole life.

Most of you know Miley as the one who swings on a wrecking ball with little to no clothing on, but she is so much more than this. That was just one period in her life, Miley is back again now and has made improvements to herself and things in her life, which enable her to see the value in things a lot more now.

We had early entry tickets to see Miley, so I could be sure I was at the barrier as I knew this was probably my only chance to see her- which indeed, I was extremely grateful for, as I finally got to see the young woman I had idolised for years, who gave me a purpose without even knowing that I actually exist. With the early entry package you got merch, which included: a camera, a hat, a lip barm type thing, a necklace and a lanyard, which was incredible as I had not previously owned official Miley merch, so obviously I had to buy most of the merch there too.

We arrived about 7 hours early I think, so we ended up waiting around outside of the arena where I met the lovely Josh, who I have met a couple of times since Bangerz Tour. I also met a lovely girl called Hannah who would be my best friend for a couple of years and bring her best friend into my life also. Here, we saw some of her team leave the buses and go into the arena, met some of her dancers and watched things like the gold car and the big orange bird get taken inside, which made me a million times more excited- which I didnt actually think was possible. When we were there a couple of men approached us and handed us 'Miley Dollars,' and I died and went to heaven, no, but seriously, I just could not wait.

Whilst outside the arena we also got a call from my uncle, Steven, as my new cousin, Finn Noah had been born that day which made it all the more special.

When we finally went into the arena it was a mad rush to the barriers to position ourselves in the spot we desired- which for me was the end of the run way and what a brilliant decision that was. I always got a view of Miley from the front and was able to catch Miley dollars and throw my gift on stage.

When Miley came on it was as if I was dreaming, I'm not even joking. I did not cry like I thought I would- I felt it but nothing came out, whereas prior to the concert, I had cried many of times because I was finally going to see her. It was a dream come true.

My favourite songs that she performed were 23, Can't Be Tamed and Wrecking Ball, I think, because her vocals were just beautiful.

The absolute highlights of the night for me were the two times that Miley noticed me- which is where my twitter username came from, surprise, surprise! The first time she noticed me was when I had chucked my gifts onto the stage for her, just before she sang My Darlin'. I had brought her a squeeky dog toy that was a mouth with the tongue sticking out- you get why, right? Also, a dog coat which said 'VIP pup,' on it and I had written her a letter, which were all tied together with string. She picked them up and thanked me, saying that it would look cute on her little dog, Bean. The. Single. Most. Incredible. Moment. Of. My. Life. She took my gifts up the stage with her and then dropped it to someone who collected something else also.

Someone in the audience thankfully captured it in a video of theirs, which I will link here: full credit to this person. This is a moment I will remember and treasure forever.

The second time that she noticed me was brief but incredible. The day before the concert I had made an 'M' shaped sign in red card. I then stabbed a load of holes into it, in order to poke fairy lights through these. During one of the songs I held it up and switched on the lights. She pointed at me! Miley knew I actually exist for the duration of the concert and that means more to me than you will ever know.

Anyway, I had major PCD for ages after the concert, I may still have it now to be honest, it was just incredible, a day I would do absolutely anything to relive. I even managed to get in a photo with Miley.

I am so very grateful that I finally got the chance to see Miley perform live on the 16th of May 2014 after years of waiting. I hope and pray that one day I may finally get the chance to meet her, so I can thank her for everything and for being the reason I held on for so long.

Here are some photos from Miley's Bangerz Tour:

Saturday, 6 May 2017

Its Embarrassing!

You know that moment of pure envy, when a small child- less than half your size may I add, can do something that you cannot? You know that moment when you realise that everyone your age can do a particular something, but still, you just simply cannot? I know this far too well. Every day I feel a deep sense of overwhelming embarrassment for not being able to do something that is considered to be normal, an 'easy' task. I am constantly reminded that I cannot do these things and that I should be able to do them at my age- its easy, right?

Sometimes I have to recruit others to rely on to assist me, or do these 'simple' tasks for me- my sister is the usual victim, even being younger than me, she is able to. My mind simply cannot comprehend the sheer scale of anxiety that comes hand in hand with these activities. Paying in shops, ordering food, talking 1-1 to people, catching public transport and going to the toilet on my own are just a few among the many tasks that my mind makes me feel as though I cannot do them. It is not me being stubborn or lazy, I promise. I would love to be able to do these things by myself, hassling less people- but I just cannot.

Walking down your road with your eyes darting in all directions feeling self conscious as you think people are watching you, even though you see no one. Seeing someone walking towards you and worrying- Do I say hi? Will I stutter? Will I mess up my words? Will I trip up?  Do I just smile? Crossing the road, there are too many cars, how do I cross without having to stand on the road waiting looking like an idiot whilst people drive past me staring and judging me for what I look like?

Its school, I'm walking down the sixth form drive alone, there are people everywhere, behind and infront, talking and laughing- About me? Probably not, but thats what my mind thinks. I'm thinking there are people in the classrooms watching me, so pretending to play on my phone while I walk so I cant see who is watching me is a norm, but the worry with that is, will I trip? Will I walk into someone? Walking into the sixth form building- going in the fire exit if I can in order to avoid the masses in reception and the teachers ready to pounce on me for missing that meeting or that assembly that I was too scared to go to. 

Seeing children in shops going up to the counter confidently with their own money, paying for their own things themselves, it makes me incredibly jealous and at the same time, embarrassed. It is very frustrating, I dont know why I worry so much and why it would stick with me if I messed up, but it does. 

The phone rings. It's not Mum, Dad, the Grandparents or the sibling. Decline- I wait a bit, 'sorry I missed your call, are you okay?' Facetime call. Decline- 'sorry my parents are in bed, I cant talk, are you okay?' Message received: 'Do you want to meet?' 'sorry I cant, I have work to do and I have to tidy my room before I go anywhere.' Theres a knock at the door. I look out the window and hide at the sight of the postman holding a parcel, knowing my parents will be annoyed at not receiving the parcel that day.
Going out for a meal with your friends on the condition that they 'look after' you as if you are a child in need of a child minder. Luckily, most of my friends are very understanding of me and how I am when it comes to these types of situations, and some even (very kindly) offer to help even before I have to ask- yet even with their offer of help and their understanding nature of the situation it is highly embarrassing and I feel like a child. Ordering and paying for a meal are just terrifiying- there are so many ways that I could 'mess up' and make a fool of myself whilst doing these things, which would stick with me for a very long time and would be extremely hard to get rid of from my head. I still remember things that I did years ago that I found embarrassing at the time, and still cringe at now. When people say that I will forget about it in say an hour or so- I wont, I know I wont. 

I could go on to explain many, many more situation in which I feel anxious, and how I go about approaching them but we would all be here for a while. So, I think I will end it here.

All I ask of you is to please not make a big deal out of this for me- whether I do the 'things' in question or I do not. If I feel like I cannot do it, please offer to help me out, if you can yourself do it. If I can do it, please allow yourself to be proud of me, congratulate me because it was a hell of a big thing for me to do- just please dont do this straight away, bringing it up in a casual conversation is good too.

If you can relate to this, please share it, show your friends who dont understand. You are not alone.