A year ago I knew that I should stop, and I knew that it had to stop- and that is the story of how I made it to a year clean! A long with tears, panics, hard work, more tears, stress and effort, not much I guess.
It gets better.
Keeping a positive mindset in place isn't easy, just in general, or in recovery, but something that really helped me to wake up feeling a bit better was to put post it notes around my room with little messages on to myself. At the moment, I have 6: 'Be Brave', 'I Am Enough', 'What To Focus On: Happy', 'Positive Thinking', 'Stay Focused' and 'Always Smile'. Not only do these little post it notes say positive messages on them, but they also brighten up the room which is always nice, as they are in 4 different colours: pink, yellow, blue and green. Another thing that helps me to keep a positive mindset is good memories. I have a photo wall in my room which is filled with good memories and good people, such as the time that I got to skype Jelly and Day, meeting Lucy Spraggan, leavers day/party, shrovetide and special moments with my family and friends. Often when I walk in my room, I will stand and look at the photographs for a while, and it just puts a smile on my face. Yet another thing that really helps me is music. Even when i was having trouble, music helped. Where would we be without music? I also have a wall behind my bed which is covered in my favourite photos of my favourite singers, which includes: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, Lucy Spraggan, Justin Bieber and many, many more. This wall also makes me very happy, and both wallls just remind me what I have to be grateful for.
Every day approaching this milestone in my self harm recovery, I feel stronger. It has been a really long and hard journey, to get to where I am today but I can tell you it was definitely worth it. I still get urges, but now I'm strong enough to fight them off. I am pretty confident that once I do hit a year clean, I will never ever go back to it, but if i do, I am also confident that it will only a minor slip up and that I shall be able to carry on. With regards to this as a whole, in my mind, I feel stronger towards this situation. I now know how to effectively distract myself and to make myself feel better.
I think that the more days you go without doing it, the more you never want to do it again- well this was the case with me. Right now my thoughts are, well, if I break the clean now, i'll have to wait another year to be in the place I am in now, and i'd be wrecking the achievements that I had already met at this point.
This time next year I hope to be in the same place as I am now- still strong. Hopefully 2 years clean, but if not, thats okay. I accept that relapse may sometimes be a part of recovery. Overcoming something this big has been so, so, hard yet so, so, worth it. It is so rewarding to look back and see how bad things were before I decided to change myself for the better, and to see how i used to behave in comparison to how I am now and to see how much has changed since then. I dont say this very often, but I actually am very proud of myself.
I would just like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for being there for me through one of the toughest years of my life, and before that (if i knew you then), it really does mean the world to me.
I'd just like to take a paragraph to remember my beautiful cat Cassie, who sadly we had to have put down on the 17th of July also. She was the most beautiful but funny cat I had ever met in my life. She comforted me whilst I cried, it really hurts knowing I can't walk into the kitchen and see her peacefully asleep in her bed. I miss her so much- we had 16 wonderful years together that I am very thankful for. Rest in peace Cassie x